Saturday Thoughts

I don’t often spend my Saturdays at home with the boys. For the past year I’ve been working Saturdays due to it making sense for childcare. But I’m on sick leave at the moment trying to process everything that has happened these last few months. I felt it was important to allow myself the time to grieve and say goodbye to my Nan instead of burying all the feelings like I usually do.

I wouldn’t say grief has been what I’d have expected it to be. The times I thought I’d feel most sad are the times I’ve felt most numb and just in pure disbelief. For now I can tell myself it’s not actually real and I can still phone her or send her a message and I’ll get a reply. She will still be sitting there in her chair, in her home - a place we grew up full of love, laughter and precious memories. She was cremated on Tuesday and we had a little gathering to remember her but it still doesn’t feel real? I feel like I’m living on edge and waiting for it to smack me straight in the face. But maybe this is grief for me right now?

I’ve been having a weird day today. I felt positive in the morning. I got up, got dressed, brushed my teeth and my hair (huge achievement for me right now) and I tidied up around the house all before 9am! George went to his first U7’s Football Session and when I picked him up he won player of the season trophy and was ridiculously proud and happy. It felt so lovely to see him so happy. But as the day went on and dwindled away, I just felt crap. Like everything the boys were doing or asking of me was too much or everything was a hassle. I was short and irritable and just in such a slump.

I’ve been trying not to do too much or push myself massively since recovering from flu as I did that the other day and man did I pay for it the day after 😅 so I just thought I’d watch some Harry Potter, have my Kylie 0% Prosecco and write here instead.

I’m hoping as I get over this flu I can start going out for walks again and just getting some fresh air. I’ve been listening to this audio book about healing your inner child - will see how it goes. For 1) I’ve never been an audiobook sort of girl and 2) Self-help and non fiction aren’t really my thing but we don’t progress and change if we aren’t willing to be open and try something new 🙏

I thought I’d end each post with a photo that made me happy. So here is my photo for today: Georgie looking happy with his player of the season trophy 🏆